Bahlaqeem Schmalaqeem

Sometimes EoR thinks he should just give up the fight, and join the enemy. After all, it's easy money deluding the suckers. Of course, you need a consulting room. And a fancy certificate. Probably a model of the spine. Some white sheets and a few instruments. Maybe a receptionist. Then there's all the laying on of hands and touching all those bodies.

If only you could just chat to someone on the phone and pretend to lay on the hands. Think of the savings in time and money.

Via Insolitology, it appears James Burda had the same thoughts.

Bahlaqeem is a long distance healing service (not a product) to help increase the quality of your life that can be performed in the privacy of your home or other personal space. There is no need to come to my office.

Mr Burda (he appears to have no qualifications other than his amazing psychic abilities) offers "vibrational adjustments or manipulations". EoR is opting for the latter choice ("manipulations").

Mr Burda also provides some "Wonderments" of the human body on his website, such as

I notice that when I look at a picture of the skull, it has a lot of little squiggly lines all over it. What are they for?
This is a good question. What you are seeing are joints between numerous bones that make up the skull. This construction allows for protection of the brain as well as its breathing. Yes! The brain breathes. It expands and contracts. So if the cranium (skull) were a solid bone the brain could not do what it does. The important idea here is flexibility. The construction is also so unique that it will not allow anything to enter the brain area through those joints.

Breathing bones. Now there's a novel idea. It's so effective it apparently doesn't allow common sense to enter the brain either.

Mr Burda can make amazing, incredible, never seen before, changes to your body over the phone:

Now for the difference of what you get with a typical chiropractor and what I do. I can make manipulations to every single bone and joint in the body, including the ear bones. Most chiropractors focus on the pelvic and spinal areas. [...] I can do these manipulations anywhere at any time, even when you cannot get in to see your favorite chiropractor. [...] The manipulations that I do can be done while you are in the privacy of your own home or office. You do not need to go anywhere special. [...] Something else, my adjustments of the body raise their (body) vibrational rates. In other words the body vibrates higher. I do not sense that regular chiropractic does this, because they (most chiropractors) work on lower physical levels. My work is on a much higher level. It is very subtle. The subtler, the more powerful. There is a chance that when a body is vibrating at a higher level, disease processes may not be able to survive in such an environment. This is in theory only at this time because what I am doing is so new and revolutionary. Even the terms adjustment and manipulation are not really proper for what I do, but they are the closest to what I do that people can understand. The increase in vibration is also helping people prepare for the changes that will be coming and are happening now. These changes are being manifested by the increase in all the earthquakes, killer storms, volcanoes, hatred, anger, terrorism, etc. Finally, there are things that I can do that I cannot mention here. To say the least, I can work on other levels of healthcare.

EoR considers that the word "manipulation" is perfectly adequate to describe what Mr Burda "does", which is so "subtle" he's willing to bet there are no detectable changes whatsoever.

Bahlaqeem is as meaningless as what Mr Burda purports to do:

The name Bahlaqeem (pronounced baalakeem) came to me during a period of inspiration. It is a madeup word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters.

Con-artist has nine letters as well, but is possibly not as soothing.

Strangely, the most common phrase on his website, and which recurs again and again (even on the same page) is

The following ideas expressed by James Burda are his own and may or may not reflect the ideas mentioned in the current scientific or medical journals.

Again, EoR is opting for the latter choice ("may not").

If, after wasting your money on this scam, you're still in pain, don't blame Honest John. It's your own fault you no good loser:

Right now there are two reasons why this treatment may not work and they are 1) you really do not want to get better and / or 2) the pain or other symptom is there so that you can learn a lesson, which comes from the highest of sources.

Option "3) Mr Burda is a con-artist" is not a possibility. Of course, the "lesson" might just be "don't fall for conmen's outrageous scams".

Odd John's incredible superpowers are making him famous. Specifically, the Ohio State Chiropractic Board has become interested in him, but not in a friendly way.

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type."