Monday, August 28, 2006

Pranic Money Lift

The latest magic method of extracting money from your wallet in a gentle, holistic manner is the pranic face lift. The front page even includes photographic "before" and "after" evidence of how effective it is. Never mind that the two photographs are taken from different distances, under different lighting, and at different angles and, in fact, even with all those deceptions still don't seem to show any differences (imagine the before and after photographs swapped around - it would work just as well). The reason EoR can't see any difference between the photographs though is because EoR doesn't believe in this witchcraft. You see, pranic face lifting only works as long as you believe it does ("You are receptive to the techniques"). It says so right on the front page. A bit of magic woo hand waving (which presumably shows God - sorry, "universal life force" - just which wrinkles to smooth out) and a "specialized" crystal (without which universal life force appears not to be universal or a force) can achieve what surgery would only fail at.

Apart from the silly hand and crystal waving, it is also important that you regularly contribute some of your cash to the pranic woo-meister, otherwise your face could seriously start sagging again and crumble away in a horrible Dorian Gray manner:

Then every so often, usually monthly, you should go to see the practitioner for a "tune-up".

Glenn J. Mendoza M.D. reports a study (unpublished and unreviewed, apparently, but who cares when you've got exposure on CBS News?) where some of the "Most Dramatic Observations" include not only

A refreshed "glow" is noticeable after the healing sessions

(Eor wonders how exactly that was measured), but also

Subject 21 (50 year old male) looked 10 years younger after the study

"Looked"? To whom? How was that measured? The list of "More Common Observations" includes solely subjective impressions:

"Face feels happy, light and relaxed", "Face feels warm, clean and refreshed", "Feels tingling sensation and movement of energy on the face", "Face feels plumper, more youthful and fresh"

and so on and so on. EoR agrees, however, that pranic wallet lifting, unlike traditional face lifts which use procedures where

Some of the techniques are painful, some only last a few months, and some are even risky.

will not be painful (physical only, does not apply to bank balance), has no risk (physical only, does not apply to bank balance), and how you look after the session will not change after only a few months (though it won't be any different from how you looked before the session - only poorer).

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