Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Spanking the Fat Monkey

Diets are hard work, and depressing because you can't eat all those nice foods you enjoy so much. You could try a slimming supplement but, since they work no better than a placebo that's probably not the answer (though will that stop pharmacists selling them, along with the equally useless homeopathic remedies? EoR doubts it). What if you could lose weight and have fun? Well, now you can masturbate yourself thin.

The first person in indulge in the act was Onan. He was struck down by God for doing so, a harsh punishment for something so natural.

Masturbation is the wonder weight loss method.

The beauty of this technique is that it needs no special needs or product placing; all the equipment you require is literally at hand and is portable ready for instant use.

EoR trusts that the adherents of this method will refrain from losing weight on public transport, or in lifts.

This book is a parody, but it's so similar to the loony beliefs of the newage set that it's hard to tell. In any case, parody or not, it's a courtesy to your readers to at least spell words correctly and employ a reasonable level of grammar. Both are missing from this book. Though this quote could almost be real:

The only diet I can bend my mind around.
Uri Gelder

And why has the quote ostensibly from the Crown-Prince of Woo, Prince Charles, been censored? As the author states

Already you may have realised that this book is not something to be taken seriously. (...) this book was knocked up one lunch time after indulging in several pints of ale down the pub.

And it shows all the signs of that origin as well. Of course, joke or not, it doesn't stop someone coming up with an apparently real version (this may also be fake, despite the fact that it's on the interweb — EoR was unable to find it at the Mainichi Daily News).

According to the Mainichi Daily News, a Japanese scientist has developed what he calls "The Masturbation Diet"-a diet that is exactly what it sounds like. "Rve (sic) minutes of vigorous masturbation can consume 300 calories, which is the equivalent of sprinting 300 meters," says Dr. Shukan Tokuho, adding that the experience can be so refreshing that it can replace a light meal, thereby saving even more calories. For even more benefit, Dr. Tokuho recommends sitting in a chair with your heels raised about 10 centimeters off the floor in order to put tension on the stomach muscles. He claims that this style of masturbation done twice a day for a month can trim about eight centimeters off a man's waist. The good doctor summed up his revolutionary diet with the phrase "shake for breakfast, shake for lunch and a sensible dinner."

Meanwhile, at Today Tonight (home of the diet fad), there's the latest "walk in, walk out" weight loss method. It seems to involve day surgery liposuction (costing anything up to AU$12,000), but then comes a statement out of left field:

"The radio frequency energy is melting the fat cells, it's tightening the skin."

EoR is impressed. Almost as impressed as by brainwashing to lose weight.

How and why do these "brainwashing" programs work? They work because you are self-hypnotizing yourself with the excessive repetition (400-500X daily). If you just spoke them a few times a day, the part of you that recognizes the falsehood would cynically respond "yeah right".

This probably works in the same way as compulsive self-abuse. There's no actual time left to eat.

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