The Higher Mathematics of Idiocy

EoR is thankful that Chevrolet UK has finally come up with a desperately needed piece of science that the world has been suffering for centuries without. Not a cure for cancer. Not an answer to global warming. Not a Unified Field Theory. No, far more important than that, the formula for the perfect handshake.

PH = √ (e2 + ve2)(d2) + (cg + dr)2 + π{(4<s>2)(4<p>2)}2 + (vi + t + te)2 + {(4<c>2 )(4<du>2)}2

(e) is eye contact (1=none; 5=direct) 5; (ve) is verbal greeting (1=totally inappropriate; 5=totally appropriate) 5; (d) is Duchenne smile - smiling in eyes and mouth, plus symmetry on both sides of face, and slower offset (1=totally non-Duchenne smile (false smile); 5=totally Duchenne) 5; (cg) completeness of grip (1=very incomplete; 5=full) 5; (dr) is dryness of hand (1=damp; 5=dry) 4; (s) is strength (1= weak; 5=strong) 3; (p) is position of hand (1=back towards own body; 5=other person's bodily zone) 3; (vi) is vigour (1=too low/too high; 5=mid) 3; (t) is temperature of hands (1=too cold/too hot; 5=mid) 3; (te) is texture of hands (5=mid; 1=too rough/too smooth) 3; (c) is control (1=low; 5=high) 3; (du) is duration (1= brief; 5=long) 3.

It's 'developed by scientists' so it must be real (even though the press release also states it was only developed by one (psychological) scientist.

EoR expects that, by the time you've worked out all those variables and come up with your answer, your punter will have wandered off to another car yard.