The Swiss Pocketknife Of Woo

Ho hum. Another day, another magic pendant being pushed by an Australian company. With all these healing devices hung around his neck, EoR is starting to get a bad back...

Tri-Vortex personal energy products resonate a natural energy field which replicates nature's creative processes. Anything that comes in contact with, or near Tri-Vortex products is returned, at a molecular level, back towards that which nature intended - whether plant, animal or human.

That statement doesn't mean anything. What "natural energy field"? Radiation? Heat? How does it replicate "nature's creative processes"? Does it perform sexual reproduction? What did "nature intend"? Do cotton clothes transform back to cotton plants? If you sit in a car with the Tri-Vortex marvel, does the car melt back into a sludgy pile of petroleum, metal and fabric? Does it contain Ubik?

Australian therapeutic legal requirements are fairly straightforward, but these people are quite prepared to ignore the law and state:

Tri-Vortex helps the following conditions;
Arthritis, asthma, headaches and migraines, gout, back pain, injuries and recovery, jetlag, jaw and neck pain, sciatica, knee, hip and joint pain, pregnancy, cholesterol, blood pressure, ganglion, sinus, hayfever, digestion, ulcers, coldsores, acne, diabetes, bruises, burns, myalgia, swollen joints, bone fractures, herpes, twisted joints, common cold, flu symptoms, carpal tunnel, head concussions, torn muscles, wounds/cuts, tendonitis, stomach ulcers, tooth ache, cancer, asthma, aids, eye injuries, general surgery, dental surgery, intense workouts... and many other ailments not listed.

Yes. Use it for cancer. Asthma. Pregnancy (does it return the pregnancy to what "nature intended"?). Fractures. Actually, anything at all and everything. It's a panacea, literally. If you're gullible enough to believe that, further down the page it states you can use it not just for health reasons, but also to "protect" yourself from electromagnetic fields and "electrosmog". You can use it on your drinking water. You can use it to make that cheap bottle of plonk taste better! It can be used to improve your hydration (as long as you remember these magic pendants "are part of a much bigger healing solution and should be combined with proper hydration"). Stick them on your pets. You can probably stick it in your rectum and get exactly the same "healing powers" (and, given the holistic obsession with colon function, EoR wouldn't be surprised by such a use). Stick them on all your electronic devices. Remember:

Alternating current electricity is chaos and provides no value or benefit to the molecules of the cells in humans, animals or plants. Some individuals and scientists believe alternating current electricity is electromagnetic pollution and hazardous to short-term and long-term human and animal health. Are you experiencing fatigue and soreness after watching television? Or working on your computer for extended periods of time? The molecules in your cells have been exposed to chaotic alternating current electricity or electromagnetic pollution. Tri-Vortex products transform the electricity in your home, office, school or workshop into beneficial left- hand turn energies that are biologically friendly, safe, healthy and energising.

Oooh! "Friendly" electricity. Much better than nasty chaotic AC. EoR assumes it transforms all currents to DC. Which nature intended.

There is a tiny link at the bottom of the page to a rather strange and lengthy disclaimer which seems to be a cut and paste collation of some US web based service. It states in part:

This offering is a contract between you the buyer and our business, the seller. The seller is located in the State of Nevada, U.S.A. and by doing business with us you agree that this offering is made from the State of Nevada, U.S.A. and shall be governed by the laws of the State of Nevada and the U.S.A..

EoR isn't a lawyer, but it would seem difficult to defend an Australian website, selling products in Australia, on the basis of Nevada law. Particularly when the same disclaimer also states: "Disclaimer Pursuant to Australian State & Federal Laws" and "These Terms of Use will be governed and interpreted pursuant to the laws of Victoria, Australia". Which also, apparently, includes the law of Nevada. Very strange. Furthermore, users are prohibited from anything that "amounts to a 'pyramid' or similar scheme" or "solicits funds, advertisers or sponsors". Apart from all the stuff that's there already, presumably. There is, however, in the whole disclaimer not one word about diagnosing or curing (or, as so often at these sort of sites, the lack of such ability in the magic product). And anyway, pyramids are good things to these sort of people.

A device doesn't need to be advertised as a cure for all those conditions listed earlier, it merely needs to make claim to be used on such a wide range of conditions to start breaching parts of the relevant legislation (Therapeutic Goods Act 1989 and Trade Practices Act 1974). Further information for those interested (or those promoting TriVortex) can be found at the Therapeutic Goods Administration website. Complaints can be lodged through the Therapeutic Goods Advertising Code Council website.

You know these pieces of plastic work because they've been tested. On other magic machines. At acupuncture points. Which we all know is much more proofy type proof than proper calibrated testing by standardised machines that measure real things (which would, EoR makes the bold prediction, show no result whatsoever for these particular devices). Nor are randomised trials of any worth in establishing whether energy is dechaoticised or not. No. Testimonials (the first and last refuge of the quack) are required. EoR particularly admired that from Clea F:

Clea has a tumour at the stem of her brain which caused a lot of pain and stiffness of the neck. Her left knee was swollen and very painful. She was unable to sleep and took lots of Homeopathic Medicines with little relief. She had no energy.

After one night on Tri-Vortex products:
- She felt re-born.
- She stopped medication.
- Slept very well.
- Swelling of leg went down all together.
- Her tightened neck disappeared.
- She goes for long walks without any ill effects.
- Able to work in garden again.
- Feels energetic and good.

Note the none too subtle dig at homeopathy (bad, nasty, ineffective non-magic therapy!). Apart from feeling good and being reborn (as a Christian?), what about the brain tumour? And why couldn't Clea F write her own testimonial? EoR is particularly amazed at the number of testimonials about conditions which appear to have reduced or resolved at almost exactly the same rate as they would have if these people had not stuck magic pendants on their body parts, and for which any number of alternative explanations are much more likely than that a magic cure was effected.

If you want to know how this device works, do not go to the page trying to explain it. Your mind will be dazzled by radial periodic tables, pyramids (see! they do really like pyramids!), Quantum Election Theory [sic], numerology, ESP and all manner of woo and nonscience.

These products range in price from A$40 for the pet pendant, to A$175 for the Tri-Vortex Solid Silver Twisting Oval Link Necklace ("boosted with energy in the Tri-Vortex chamber, with your Tri-Vortex Pendant to resonate even more energy.") Not forgetting the Tri-Vortex Green Laser for only A$495 ("The most powerful healing tool for pain relief and treatment of water and liquids." - what? the other products are inferior? and what happened to those magic red penlights that did exactly the same thing with a massive markup on the supermarket penlights?).

One of the people behind this product proudly states:

John is no longer involved in pure profit business initiatives.

Obviously, Mr Murphy has a good sense of humour. Alternatively, this is an "impure" profit business initiative.

Like all such "exciting" breakthroughs in science, the promoters are keen for you to join their affiliate program.