A 101 Uses of a Dud Angel

When I think of angels, I used to think of Berlin, but since receiving the amazing gift of Doreen Virtue's CD "Angels 101: An Introduction to Connecting, Working, and Healing With the Angels", angels remind me of those hundred and one dead cats of Simon Bond.

Doreen Virtue Ph.D. says she produced this discourse to satisfy consumer demand for "a book about angels for someone who’s a complete beginner". Which makes it by a complete beginner, for a complete beginner - a winning combination. Of course she has credentials, but I won't dwell on them here, suffice to say she has been a guest of the Oprah show and she looks remarkably like Destiny Angel from Captain Scarlet.

Angels 101 explains angels are "heavenly postal carriers" that know what you need and will help out with absolutely anything and everything. So far, so good, but there are billions of us and barely ten archangels. Don't fret. Dr Virtue says they can help everyone simultaneously. Better still, we have a couple of guardian angels each, to "ensure we stay safe, happy and healthy and fulfil life's mission".

You may well think it's a disgrace. Why all the accidents, misery and sickness, as reported on the news? Are there flocks of angels just swanning around, neglecting basic duties? The explanation, says Virtue, is simple. Angels have a noninterventionist policy. But now, thanks to Angels 101, you can reclaim your bolshie guardians. All you have to do is ask, as as often as you wish. Angels don't have regulated hours, and they never wear out.

I won't bore you with angel taxonomy, but let me assure you it's all here on the CD, right down to their body coating (sounds awful, but they are skinless), wing formation (they don't flap to fly), and colours (but not racial colour). Doreen, rather breathlessly, recites their duty statements - which archangel to call for help with menstruation, or motions, or police officers, or simply for an inventory of life. I don't like to admit to a favourite, but mine would have to be Archangel Michael, who may be called upon to "vacuum your child to remove lower energies".

The tricky part is angelspeak. You start to see why people aren't doing so well, even if they ask. Angelspeak is fleeting and symbolic. For example, irrational thoughts, flashing lights before your eyes or ringing in your ears, are not signs of illness - they're angelspeak. As Dr Virtue says, angels have a sense of humour. If you need help, you first need to solve riddles.

Stepwise solutions are offered. First, you must breathe. Angel messages are carried on molecules of oxygen (no smoking please). Next, you must relax (easy, now that you're breathing). Thirdly, "follow guidance" and finally, if still at a loss, tell your angel you give up and ask for more signs. You may need to breathe again. A sign could be an angel-shaped cloud (and angels come in all shapes and sizes) or a book title, or a smell, or a feather. Confused? It's your fault for trying too hard.

Fortunately there's another method. Angels like to do it by numbers. Dr Virtue says to watch out for digits that catch you attention, such as on letterboxes or car plates. Commands are somewhat as follows: 1 = watch your thoughts, 2 = feel the faith, 3 = Jesus is with you, 4 = angels are assisting right now, 5 = change ahead, 6 = fears release, 7 = keep going, 8 = abundance is coming your way, and 9 = you are going the right way!

These can be combined to make complex instructions. For example, you are driving on a mountainside and notice an oncoming numberplate "7563". Number 7 tells you "to keep going". If the road twists and you career over the edge, it explains the warning in 5 as in "there's a change ahead", and 6 "fears release", and then finally 3, "Jesus is with you". I recommend you buy a dictaphone and recite meaningful numbers as you drive. Best to decode afterwards, as this can be distracting in heavy traffic.

Dr Virtue guarantees angels can eliminate the small irritations in life. No more parking fines, red traffic lights or running out of fuel. You'll be driving on empty, angels will grab the stearing wheel to avoid collisions, and you'll never need to search for a parking space. When travelling by plane, ask your angel to sail through security without being searched, get upgraded, smooth the turbulence, and find lost baggage. Angels will also get you a great home, top job and friends.

I felt uncomfortable here. Don't angels play fair? What if everyone cheats? What happens at the crossroads if you all want green lights? What if everyone demands to be first at the check-in? Can everyone's bags get unloaded first? What about lost revenue from parking meters and others unable to get a spot? What about air safety with those security breaches? Why should latecomers jump queues? Unfortunately Dr Virtue skips the virtue lesson.

But she does embrace troubled relationships. I'm sure your partner would warm to hearing you recite her recommended affirmation: "I am willing to release that part of me which irritates me when I think of you." And if that isn't enough, Dr Virtue suggests writing a hate letter and "pouring your heart out". She even recites a form letter to aid in seeking your soulmate (addressed to the guardian angel of your soulmate). Should your non-soulmate stumble upon such, it would certainly free you up.

Dr Doreen Virtue chirped on and on. Would she never run out of breath? My angel must have been listening. I heard tinkling music and the CD terminated at last with "all you need to do is ask".