The Frost Report

Some more health information from the radio nutritionist. Helen Frost's last few shows have had a definite altie poo theme. EoR has now learnt the following vital information.

You need to have a good "unloading session" each night on the toilet. "So many people are walking around feeling like they've got a carrot stuck up their backside because they haven't had a good one." EoR hates to think how she knows the feeling of a carrot being rectally inserted. Perhaps she adheres to the South Park reverse digestion method.

Last week's show had a lengthy discussion on poo movements. The worst is the the "shy poo" - that's where you "get a grimace on your face, bear down and really try and get it out" but end up having to take a breath when it takes the chance to "sneak back in". Then you walk around the rest of the day feeling you've got a carrot up your bottom. Again.

What you need is soft poo. Lots of wholegrain and fibres and cereals are good for this result, though EoR imagines dysentery would also do at a pinch. If you don't do that you get sticky poo and need lots of toilet paper to wipe the sticky poo off and it will leave "skid marks inside you".

You must drink plenty of water to keep "clean" on the inside. Many people get up and have a shower in the morning to clean themselves on the outside, but neglect to perform the same task internally.

White breads, white pastas etc become glue in your backside. EoR presumes this is handy to know in an emergency if you run out of glue.

Alties have such a fascination with their bowels and their movements. It's a fundamental faecal fascination. At least it seems to give them something to look forward to in life, and a hobby to keep them out of trouble. They probably all believe in Mr Hanky.

Oh, and a word to all the oncologists out there: eating too much protein causes cancer. So, no more cancer, okay?

For a proper, life sustaining diet, you must eat live foods - these come straight out of the ground or off the tree. No cans,
packages, etc etc. Those sorts of things are dead, and you can't create "life" out of "dead" foods. Which amazes EoR, since people who can survive by eating only canned and packaged foods must be some sort of miracle. As she keeps pointing out, white bread has "no nutrition". She's a nutritionist. She'd know.

A caller rang about nuts. "We need good nuts" Ms Frost advised. Oh, if only she could see the irony...