Monday, May 29, 2006

Odd Books

EoR has been spending some time at Odd Books, a delightful site run by Alfred Armstrong.

Mr Armstrong has saved EoR the expense and time of purchasing and reading How to Defend Yourself Against Alien Abduction, an essential text written by Ann Druffel. Apparently, there are various methods of warding of anally probing aliens in the night, such as ceiling fans, or saying "Please go away." Heavy stuff. EoR is amazed that such wimpish aliens manage to ever abduct anyone anywhere.

There's also the wonderful delight of alternatista poet Alcinous B. Jamison, M.D who believed that constipation was the cause of all the body's ills (Hilda Clarke, are you listening?). Sadly, little has changed in the alternatista world since (a prime indicator of holding alternatista beliefs is a refusal to give up those beliefs in the face of all evidence - damn it, it's a religion!). Here's a few stanzas, though EoR finds the first few lines strangely reeking of double entendre.
With perfect form in each respect,
It proudly stood with head erect
And skin surpassing fair,
Surveyed itself from foot to head,
And then complacently it said:
"Naught can with me compare."

When lo the face began to pale,
The body looked too thin and frail,
The cheek had lost its glow;
The tongue a tale of woe did tell,
With nerves impaired its spirits fell;
The fire of life burned low.

In the intestinal canal
Waste matter lay and sad to tell,
Was left from day to day;
And while it was neglected there
It undermined that structure fair,
And caused it to decay.

Or Sidney C Tapp's Why Jesus Was a Man and Not a Woman.
Jesus had to be a Son and not a daughter - a man and not a woman - in order to undergo the temptation of the sex senses of the flesh - the mind of the serpent.

Of course, EoR and all good skeptics know Jesus was a woman, since she had no father to pass on the crucial Y sex chromosone.

For the moment, EoR will conclude with Frank Rudolph Young's Cyclomancy: The Secret of Psychic Power Control (though there's much more to browse on the site) with exercises such as the following (EoR's comments in square brackets):
Exercise. How to Establish Mutual Rapport Fast Between You and Anyone. You run into Martin on the street, in the office, at a social gathering, in your house, or his, the golf course or anywhere else [ie, you run into Martin]. Instantly visualize his torso, from head to thighs [sounds a bit naughty], as secreting within it a profusion of acetylcholine at every Nerve Gap [ooh, ooh, naughty secretions]. Or you can just visualize his torso and at the same time think strongly of a juicy steak or of something else that you relish eating [EoR is beyond comment]. Maintain that thought or vision clearly for two seconds.

This mental picture will automatically be telepathized [now there's a word EoR will have to slip into conversation] into Martin's mind. It will be a picture of a painless torso, for acetylcholine is secreted by your loving nerves, and those are nerves of pleasure, not pain.

Martin's conscious mind will subsequently ignore any pain sensations from his Sensations Recording Center which originated in his torso or which are caused by it reflexly [another word for general conversations], like a stomach headache [how does a stomach get a headache?]. So he feels better immediately and subconsciously associates you with that feeling. He is left eager to meet you or associate with again. You have created mutual rapport between you two ... fast. [and a mutual desire to share "loving" secretions?]

EoR hasn't laughed so much since the last time he listened to Anthony Grzelka.

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