People worried about crime in their street, rising damp in their home or lacklustre sex in the bedroom can now call on divine assistance. The Church of England is going into partnership with estate agents to offer blessing services to people moving home. [...] Clergy behind the scheme want to tap into the explosion of interest in New Age practices such as feng shui as a way of tempting people back to church.
EoR suspects they haven't quite got the hang of this newage stuff though, since they apparently can't do it at a distance, nor can they do it by vaguely waving their hands in the general direction of the item to be blessed, unlike all good reikiists, pranic healers, and aura massagers.
As the vicars go from room to room, they will lay hands on everything from the bed, praying for a healthy sex life, to the lavatory, asking for "good health and to give thanks for sanitation".
We all know good sanitation is solely thanks to god. Not science or public health departments.
"There will be those who are worried about security and we will ask God to watch over the house." However, "divine protection" was not a guarantee against burglary, he said.
So, if an omnipotent, omniscient god can't prevent your home from being burgled, what chance have you got?
EoR expects to see remakes of The Exorcist featuring terrors such as nonfunctioning toilets, rather dissatisfying sex lives, and pagan burglars.
An online report is here.