The Alternatista's Guide to Solving Computer Problems

Most computer problems can be solved through the use of healing magnets. You should repeatedly pass the magnet over the computer (and especially the hard drive since this is the equivalent of the brain chakra). The stronger the
magnet the greater the healing power.

In the rare circumstances that this doesn't work, homeopathic drops applied daily to the internal workings should succeed. Tincture of data stream (at 100C) is particularly good.

Acupuncture has also been proven to be effective in many cases, since it releases blockages in energy flows. If your computer seems to be running slow this is because of stagnant energy in the data meridians. You can release this energy by applying acupuncture needles to various points on the power supply of the computer.

Placing herbs inside your computer can relieve those annoying problems that seem to have no cause. Try placing feverfew in your floppy disc drive or devil's claw can be spread across your RAM to increase the memory size.

Other problems (lost data, for example) can be due to subluxations in the external data bus. This can be relieved by placing your computer in alignment with local ley lines. Open the case and take hold of the mother board. Apply a swift pushing force to it. If you hear an audible snapping noise you have been successful in relieving the subluxation.

Perhaps the quartz crystal oscillator has become de-energised, and is showing symptoms of dis-ease. If this is the case it is suggested that you re-move it and re-place it with a crystal of amethyst, since amethyst operates at a higher quantum vibrational level, and will look much nicer in your computer.

Optical drives that have trouble reading or writing data are suffering from lowered immune systems, and this is almost always due to the presence of mercury in the drive. Remove the drive and place it in a container of hydrochloric acid for at least 24 hours. This will dissolve the mercury.

Many of you may have computers that are infected with viruses. Echinacea is a proven remedy to prevent such infection, and you should ensure that you place some in your computer every day (though you must make sure you purchase it from the naturopath which may cost more, but you won't be getting the cheap off-the-shelf echinacea which has no effect at all). This will work to prevent all virus infections. However, if your computer is already infected, you need to take stronger action. Take your computer to the seaside, where you will find some dolphins who have telepathically responded to your cry of need. Swim with the dolphins (and the computer). Allow them to transfer their multidimensional healing energies to the computer.

Don't forget the tried and true traditional remedies either: soaking your computer for an hour or so in a warm epsom salts bath can do wonders for it.

If your computer fails to respond to any of these potent therapies, you may need to consult a computer psychic who will channel information from the Akashic Magnetic Tape Data Records to you. The last time EoR did this he was put in touch with an old teletype he hadn't seen in years, and also received a message from 'X" (clearly, a variable EoR had used in a Fortran program years ago) revealing an "attempt to read past end of data cards". He was suitably impressed.