The fault is not in our stars

Remember those advertisements in comic books touting the power of hypnosis to make you masterful and powerful and irrestible? Well, they've not disappeared, but only moved on to the net. Cosmic Technologies (or CosmiTec as they prefer to be called) offer you Secret Astrology Seduction Techniques that sound more than a bit creepy but are probably perfectly acceptable if you're a stalker:

You can have the edge over so much other (secret) lovers. You will know things nobody ever will know or understand.

By astrology seduction techniques, you will learn how to attract your secret lover and how to handle her or him. You will know the likes and dislikes of your target. You will know what to do and what to avoid.

You will be in control.

So it's not like you might want a relationship or a partner. No, you want a target that you can control. You can entice a woman to your lair, you can conquer the person you have been hunting. Sometimes woo is just weird, but sometimes it gets distinctly disturbing.

Elsewhere on the site EoR discovered astro-homeopathy, boldly combining two nonsensical systems into one metawoo.

So, for example, it is found that Moon-Pluto connections (aspects or configurations) in a female horoscope may indicate problems to conceive a child due to 'blocked feelings'. A dose of Belladonna LM 18 (this remedy has a Moon-Pluto signature) weekly is able to free the woman of blockages so that a pregnancy can occur.

CosmiTec promise you can determine the gender of your child by simple astrological methods:

According to Dr. Eugen Jonas [psychiatrist and astrologer], this is also the moment of maximum fertility. If this moment also falls at the time of your estimate ovulation, we are pretty shure you will conceive, though there is anecdotal evidence that the lunar phase angle returns overpowers the menstrual cycle and that you CAN get pregnant by having intercourse during menses!

Practically, you have to look at your natal chart and count the distance between the Sun and Moon (also called the luminaries) in a counterclockwise direction and always starting from the position of the Sun.

CosmiTec are not foolish (regardless of the impression their website claims may give), and only promise a 70-75% success rate. Since any random guesses would average around 50-50, guessing the sex of a child is one of the easier psychic predictions to make, especially when only the ones they get right are going to be included in the testimonials.

And then there's sexual horoscopes. EoR had been expecting something about conjunctions with Uranus, but was disappointed.

Given that astrology gives equal influence to all astronomical bodies (in other words, there is no inverse square law of decreasing effect over distance such as with gravity) EoR wonders how long it takes to calculate an astrological chart these days, given the number of planets, comets, meteors, asteroids, Kuiper Belt objects, Oort Cloud objects, stars, nebulae, pulsars, black holes, dark matter and so on. And what about all the unkonwn billions of such objects throughout the universe? How can a chart be complete without taking into account all those as well? Or (gasp) could it be that astrology is just one more outdated magical belief system with no evidence base?